China Okasi

When two of Madame Noire’s writers wrote about sex and numbers, we couldn’t help but engage both of them in “the numbers question.” What do numbers have to do with sex? Let’s discuss…

DEMETRIA SAYS:

You know the drill. By now, maybe you have your main points memorized for “the talk.” That’s the conversation you have with a guy who you could imagine being “the blues in your left thigh trying to be the funk in your right.”

“When is the last time you were tested for STDs?”

“What were you tested for?”

“What were the results?”

“Have you ever tested positive for an STD?”

“Do you have a sexual relationship with anyone else right now?”

Those are all vital questions and no matter how you phrase them, the answers contain required information.  There is another question that creeps to mind during that conversation but often times it’s never vocalized.  “How many people have you slept with?”

* Wince *

In the grand scheme of things, unless he’s a virgin or pushing Wilt Chamberlin numbers, the actual number kinda doesn’t matter, but we’re still curious.  I have a guy friend who has decided that any woman worth wifey-ing would not have more than 10 partners. I’m not sure where the number 10 comes from, but I guess to him it seems like a reasonable number  for a grown woman to have. Eh.  I can think of a million different scenarios as to how a woman with say 15 years of sexual activity could have more than 10 partners and still not be considered a trollop.

Over the years, I have been asked that numbers question. Sometimes I answered. Sometimes I didn’t. When I didn’t it was usually because I had no intention of sleeping with the guy and didn’t feel it was even remotely his business and/or I felt like it was an obnoxious, knuckle-dragging query.  I asked one guy that question and he shrugged his shoulders and said “I don’t know.” That’s a tad unsettling to not even have a ballpark figure, no?

Do you ask potential or current mates the numbers question? Do you have a cut-off number of respectable partners for yourself or others?

SISTER TOLDA SAYS:

The number of partners you’ve had prior to your current partner. To tell or not to tell? That is the question and I personally think there is a right and wrong answer. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

When it comes to your magic number, I think this is where that phrase “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” should go to retire when it’s finally banned from the military. There is no reason for your partner to know how many people you’ve slept with. Introducing this information can create self-doubt (“Wow, I have so much less experience. Does he even think I’m good?”), judgement (“Damn! She hasn’t had that many relationships. She’s just out here f*cking like that?”) and other complicated, potentially damaging feelings.

Remember the old Chris Rock joke? “Two men? TWO MEN? Including me? Who raised you??” A brother with a sexual resume as long as Lindsay Lohan’s rap sheet could very easily freak out when he found out that his girl has freaked off with 8 men over the course of 5 years. The double standards game is ridiculous when it comes to number of partners and regardless of that, there is something really unsexy about spending too much time discussing previous paramours.

There is no value in your partner knowing how many folks were there before them. Even if there is no shame in your game, some things are personal and don’t need to be shared with others. What they DO deserve to know: Have you been using protection? How many times/relationships have you gone without? When was your last STD test? What were the results? Are you on birth control? Are you currently sleeping with anyone else? These are the things that matter, not the number of notches on your belt.

Do you agree or disagree with them?

Be the Firt to Post Your Comments!

by Demetria Irwin & Sister Toldja|16 October 2010| MN|

Related articles

• The Importance of Safe Sex (socyberty.com)
• Amen, Sister: Joycelyn Elders’ Call for More Sexual Frankness (politicsdaily.com)
• The Rise of Anal Sex (marieclaire.com)
• Sex in the Media: A New Study Finds Troubling Links to Teens (dailyfinance.com)
• Study Offers Evolutionary Perspective on After-Sex Behaviors (scienceblog.com)
• Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They’re Having Great Sex With Someone Else (theonion.com)

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