Love & Marriage: Non-Negotiables You Should Maintain When Looking for a Mate

We’re all familiar with the infamous ‘list’ when it comes to dating. In our quest to find a mate, or better yet, for a mate to find us, there are some things that we should require from our mate to ensure a lasting relationship; and in-turn let go of some superficial things that may instead hinder our chances of love instead of helping us.

With that being said, it’s important to know what you want in a significant other, but it’s even more important to let love happen and be open to new people and possibilities. Maybe you’d love your soon-to-be man to have sex appeal like Idris Elba and a face and body like Boris Kodjoe, but are these really deal breakers? If so, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you may be single for a long time, if not forever. Someone possessing 100% of the characteristics we want, the superficial ones included, may not be realistic.

Still, there are qualities that should be non-negotiable when considering a long-term mate. These are the patterns of behavior in the relationship that either you can deal with (negotiable) or you can’t (non-negotiable).

Here are 9 things to consider. Then we’d like to hear from you, Mesdames. Tell us what some of your non-negotiables are when it comes to your future man. It’s okay to be honest and list those things that others may consider superficial; after all it is your list and your life.

1. Family Values

This is important if you plan on having a family one day. If you’re really into family and your prospective man considers this low on his list of priorities, problems can arise. Even more importantly, what if you want kids and he doesn’t? Definite deal-breaker for some folk.

2. Financial Stability

If financial security is your thing, and he swings from job to job, he may not be the man for you. I’m not implying to give up on a man who is trying, but make sure that his financial means and goals are in line with what you can handle. If he’s an aspiring musician who waits 10 months between a new gig and sleeps at friends’ apartments, chances are he’s not financially stable. If you can deal with this, fine. But if financial security is at the top of your list, this could be a deal breaker.

3. Goals & Future Plans

This is pretty self-explanatory, if you plan to have a future with a man, you have to know his future plans, right? Make sure his goals and plans for the future are in line with yours.

4. Religion

I know some may agree that religion isn’t a big factor because of everyone’s freedom to practice their own beliefs. But if you are a bona fide religious being and he doesn’t believe in anything he can’t see…this may be a major issue.

5. Emotionally Available & Stable

There are plenty of reasons why an emotionally unavailable or unstable man isn’t a good catch; probably similar to the same reasons why an emotionally unstable woman may not be a good catch.

If he’s constantly having mood swings (yes men have these) or is scared to trust women, you may spend more time trying to convince him or counsel him than you will loving him. This can be draining to a relationship.

6. Views on Marriage

This is highly important. If you have dreams of being a wife and he’d prefer a forever single status or a just a great woman to raise his child without the ring, then this will definitely hinder your relationship. Don’t compromise something you’ve wanted since you were a young girl nor any of your values regarding marriage, simply to get or keep a man.

7. Sexual Compatibility

Okay, some of you may say this is superficial; and maybe you’re right. But if your future husband cannot please you sexually, this could be a definite deal-breaker; and depending on your level of frustration and temptation, it could result in infidelity. Sex isn’t everything, but it is important.

8. Reciprocal Trust

Trusting the one you’re with is the bond that can keep a relationship together; and without it a relationship is doomed for failure. Simply put, if you don’t trust him or vice versa, it won’t work.

9. Core Morals and Values

This pretty much sums up the type of man that is compatible with your beliefs on life. Ensure that both of your core morals and values are in line with each other. Word of advice, be sure you love the man he is, not who you think he can possibly become, because he may never be that man.

What are some of your non-negotiables that you can’t compromise when it comes to a mate?

Do you agree?

By Erica Renee |October 23, 2010|MN|